How carrying a purse can make you more of a man

The Big Lebowski: What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude: Dude.

The Big Lebowski: Huh?

The Dude: Uhh... I don't know sir.

The Big Lebowski: Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn't that what makes a man?

The Dude: Hmmm... Sure, that and a pair of testicles.

What does make a man? I think Lebowski had it half right, the part about being prepared. I've always believed that a good man is prepared to step in and deal with shit. Fix it, make it right. Lend a hand. But it can be hard to do that if you don't have your stuff. The tools you need to take care of business. Women generally have what they need right there handy, in their purse. They can't always find it, but they usually have it. Men, on the other hand, have long been limited to what they can carry in their pockets. Maybe a messenger bag or backpack, when they have it with them, has a few handy items in it, but these aren't things that men carry with them all the time, the way women habitually carry purses.

After much thought on the subject of preparedness, as well as other considerations, I decided to start carrying a bag regularly. Yes, it's essentially a purse, in its form and function. In addition to wanting to have my stuff handy all the time, I also wanted to figure out a way to carry my wallet without tweaking my spine out of alignment. When I wear cargo pants I can just put my wallet into one of the many non-hip pockets, but I don't always wear cargo pants, and no matter how many pockets you have you're not going to carry everything you might need in your pants. It's just too bulky; you'd look ridiculous and you'd make a lot of noise walking around.

So I needed something roomy and versatile and non-pantslike to put my stuff in, and yes, I wanted it to be something that looked manly and rugged. I'm secure enough in my manhood to make the decision carry a purse, but an ambiguous-looking bag would be pushing it a bit further than I'm ready for just yet. I decided on a military style shoulder bag that I'd originally bought to carry my iPad. I just never figured out a way to integrate a tablet into my workflow, so I still use a laptop, and I carry that in a briefcase that I don't haul around everywhere I go.

I found this bag at Andy and Bax surplus in Portland, but I've seen similar ones elsewhere. It's faux-surplus - nobody ever carried this bag into battle - but it's more or less military spec. Not camouflaged or anything (wouldn't want anybody to think I'm some kind of prepper wingnut or something), just a nice, manly olive drab. Most importantly it has lots of pockets, which I have discovered is an important feature in a man-bag.


I'm going to generalize here. Please forgive me if what I'm about to say doesn't apply to you, or if you know women to whom it does not apply, but in my experience, women's purses are giant, quantum-warped black holes. Heisnebergian containers that may or may not contain everything or nothing that the owner might need, but are guaranteed to produce an endless supply of dirty tissues on demand. This is largely because they don't have the kind of pockets and dividers that my man bag has. It's not enough to have what you need in any given circumstance, you must be able to find it.

"What's in the bag, Goose?"
So what do I carry in my purse? Well, I want to have what I need when I need it, but I don't want to lug around "six tons of crap" (my wife's unit of measurement for any large volume of stuff that she finds to be of questionable value). I also have my own personal needs and priorities, and the contents of my bag reflect this. Should you choose to carry a man-bag, your mileage may vary. Without further ado, here's the inventory of the contents of my purse:

• WALLET. This is a no-brainer if you read the first part of this blog. Mine happens to be a Bacon Wallet because bacon. This goes in the outside pocket of my bag because it's the thing I access the most frequently. The outside pocket has secure snaps and velcro which, while they may not stop a dedicated pickpocket, it should slow him down enough for me to get in a couple of good kicks.
• SUN GLASSES. Also in an outside pocket, because when I need 'em I need 'em quick.
• HEAD LAMP. Because ordinary flashlights are for pussies.
• LOTS OF PENS. Because I lose pens
• NOTEBOOK AND CHECKBOOK. To use the pens on.
• BUSINESS CARDS
• A PACKAGE OF PEANUTS FROM SOUTHWEST AIRLINES. This could be any little bit of food. I had a granola bar but I ate it. Ditto for the little package of jerky. Just keep something edible, either for you or for somebody who gets really difficult to be around if they get hungry. You know who I'm talking about.
• MICRO MAX 19-IN-ONE MULTI TOOL. This tiny little thing is incredibly handy, with little pliers, screwdrivers, wrenches and other tools that all fold up into an ingenious little stainless steel square. 
• SINGLE BLADE FOLDING KNIFE. Because the Micro Max has many things, but it doesn't have a blade. This one's cheap, just in case I forget it's in there and TSA confiscates it at a security checkpoint.
• A BANDANA. Because never in my life have I uttered the phrase, "I sure wish I hadn't packed this bandana".
• TRAVEL PACK OF KLEENEX. So you don't have to blow your nose on your bandana.
• EAR BUDS/PHONE HEADSET
• PORTABLE COLLAPSIBLE SPEAKER. For when you want to share the music on your phone or iPod.
• PHONE CHARGING KIT. With adapters and cords for every need and fitting a variety of phones ("No, I don't have an iPhone, but I do have an iPhone charger!"), including Battery To Go Power Bar, in case I'm not near an outlet.
• TRAVEL PILL CONTAINER. This has aspirin, Imodium. Sudafed, some Advil and a couple of other handy pills in it.
• FIRST AID KIT. Maybe the single most important thing you'll carry in your bag. Mine's from a surplus store but I've augmented it with lots of stuff, including sting relievers, splinter removers, and a small pair of plastic hemostats I got from my dentist. I don't ever want to be in a situation where I have to use hemostats, but my fantasy is that there will be some kind of emergency where someone yells, "Is there a doctor in the house?", and there will be, and he'll assess the situation and say, "If only I had a pair of hemostats I could save this woman", and I'll say, "Um, I have a pair of hemostats". And I'll be a hero without having to get blood all over me.
• SOME DUCT TAPE ON A PIECE OF CARDBOARD WITH A COUPLE OF BINDER CLIPS FOR GOOD MEASURE. If you can't immediately think of a dozen things to do with duct tape or binder clips then you're not a real man. 
• A CIGAR. For emergencies.
• A LIGHTER. For the cigar.
• TOOTHBRUSH AND TOOTHPASTE. Again, for the cigar. And when I get a little bit of spinach between my teeth before an important meeting.
• BREATH STRIPS. Did I mention the cigar? These are tiny and take up virtually no room in my bag, while packing a powerful, minty punch. And using breath spray makes you look like a douche.
• A USB DRIVE. I keep it filled with music in case I need music, but not music that I don't have backed up somewhere else, in case I need the drive.
• COLLAPSIBLE PLASTIC WATER BOTTLE. Now we're getting into the personal preference thing. Many of the above items might have obvious value, but this one and the next have to do with the fact that I really hate plastic. Ever since I saw the Washed Ashore exhibit I've been trying to reduce the amount of disposable plastic in my life. And while there are usually plenty of places to get clean drinking water that's not in a disposable plastic bottle (in the US, at least), there often isn't a handy place to put more than a sip of it. This bottle folds up in my bag, weighs nearly nothing, takes up virtually no space, and has, to date, probably kept me from having to use at least 20 disposable bottles of water.
• BAMBOO UTENSIL SET. I eat to go food a lot, due to work and traveling, and that's just another source of trash. I can minimize the plastic cutlery, at least, by carrying this set, that contains a reusable spoon, fork, knife and chopsticks. These can be had at a lot of natural food stores.
• EXTRA CLIP LINK. Just because you never know when you'll need one.

This probably seems like a lot of stuff, but the whole bag weighs less than 4 pounds. And because of all the pockets and dividers in my bag, I can find every item quickly, and without having to dump my bag out. And the next time somebody says, "I wish I had a bandaid/knife/phone charger/bamboo fork/inch of duct tape" or whatever, I'll be able to say, "Well as a matter of fact, I do", while other guys will reply, "I have one at home", which is a perfectly fucking useless thing to say.